Mar
07
2009

  Yikes! What Happened To My Legs??

I took a close look at my legs tonight, and am almost sorry I bothered. See, the weather is really nice this weekend, so I want to wear a dress to my shower tomorrow. But this being springtime, I'm not going to be wearing boots with it, but some sort of cute spring shoe. This will leave more than just a few inches of leg around my knees exposed.

It's been almost exactly one month since my last pedicure (when I was in NY, natch), so I decided to start with my feet. I pulled out the Dremel, and sanded away. I did one foot a few days ago, and even with the power tool it took ten minutes to smooth off my callouses, so I did the other foot tonight. Like almost anything else (including breathing, it seems), it tired me out. But I did a little more, filing the nails and taking off the old polish. At this point, I still hadn't really noticed what was going on with my legs, I was so focused on the routines of the pedicure.

Since I was already in the tub (it was empty, but it's got a convenient built-in seat), I decided I'd go ahead and shave my legs since I honestly can't remember the last time I shaved below where the top of my winter boots hit. . .and I can't shave in the shower now, since the contortions that would be required would almost surely result in a fall. So I got to work in the tub. It was when I was shaving that I noticed how weird my legs look.

I knew they were getting bigger, but I presumed that the muscles were just getting built-up from all the walking, especially carrying the ever-increasing amount of weight. While that may be true, I just noticed that they are no longer shapely due to swelling!

I can't see much below my belly, unless it's in a mirror, but I guess the angle of the full-length mirror has been deceiving me about the shape of my legs. I thought they were normal. Not so!

My legs are starting to get that tree-trunk look, you know, straight down from the calves, through the ankles to the foot. I never had that before, even when I was overweight. I've always has shapely ankles. And then I noticed that even my feet were swollen! Instead of looking all feminine, they're just bleh! Big puffy, shapeless things.

This is a bummer. It's bad enough that my torso is ridiculously round, making me look like an egg with legs and arms, but now my legs are starting to look like Big Bird's! All I need is striped hose to complete the look. I guess it's a small comic consolation that I'm cultivating this look just in time for Easter. Bawk, bawk!

I'm glad I started my pedicure a day early. I don't have to leave for the shower until 12:30pm, so theoretically I'd have time to give myself a pedicure in the morning. But the way I get all tired from the strain of moving my legs around so I can reach my feet around the belly, I don't think I have the stamina to do a complete pedicure in one sitting. So now all I've got to do tomorrow is soak my feet, push back the cuticles and paint the toenails, and use the exfoliating lotion to get rid of the dead skin not vaporized by the Dremel sander. It'll still take time. Maybe I'll even plug in my paraffin tub and give my feet a dip. At least they can feel good, even if they look hideous.